Anxiety Isn’t Telling You What to Do. It’s TellingYou Where to Look.

How to Interrogate, Understand, and Respond to Anxiety

By Tirrell Cherry

I was having coffee with a friend, catching up on everything happening in her dating life, when she started talking about a recent date that left her feeling unsure of how to proceed. She was noticing what we might call orange flags, the subtle things that leave you wondering, “Am I reading too much into this?” They’re not necessarily bad enough to cut someone off completely, but they still set off some internal alarms.

Rita had agreed to an upcoming second date but felt a sense of “dread” when thinking about going on it. She was asking my opinion on whether or not she should go, so we talked more about the orange flags and what they meant for her. Ultimately, she realized she didn't want to go on the second date, but felt like she should go, so we drafted a simple text letting him know she wasn't interested in pursuing the connection further.

As soon as the text was sent, I could see a weight lift from Rita. There was a sense of relief and renewed energy about her. But beneath that relief was a familiar dilemma: Do I trust what I'm feeling, or do I try to rationalize my way into meeting this person again? She didn’t want to inadvertently sabotage a connection that could potentially turn into a relationship, but she also wanted to stay true to herself.

Something in this exchange caught my attention. Rita’s anxiety around this situation is not unique. We’ve all experienced conflicting emotions, uncertainty about a decision, or not knowing which direction to go. Yet many of us spend much of our time trying to avoid or get rid of anxious feelings that we never stop to ask what they might be pointing toward. From my perspective, her anxiety decreasing after taking action doesn’t necessarily prove that it accurately detected danger. What it does demonstrate is that gaining clarity and taking action that felt congruent with her needs changed her emotional experience.

Why are we so quick to assume anxiety is something we need to get rid of?

Emotions can be signals, but signals aren’t always accurate. They can be useful, distorted, amplified, outdated, or misunderstood. Anxiety can arise from uncertainty, anticipated threat, internal conflict, learned associations, and many other experiences. Sometimes the perceived danger is not actually external; it can be the discomfort of acting against our own values, boundaries, or needs.

But Should We Trust What Anxiety Is Telling Us?

What Rita didn’t realize as we sat there drafting the text was that she was beginning to listen to what she was feeling instead of fighting it.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying every anxious thought is necessarily true. I am saying there is usually something worth exploring about why we are experiencing a particular emotion, and it is our responsibility to become curious about it.

I would actually advise becoming a little skeptical about anxiety, interrogating not just the nature of the thoughts, but their frequency, triggers, and rigidity.

Frequency: Does this happen occasionally, or is your mind constantly sounding the alarm?

Triggers: What specifically seems to activate it?

Rigidity: Can you entertain another possibility, or does the thought feel unquestionably true?

Is anxiety something you experience often, especially in certain situations? Is the anxiety alerting you to danger, or are you simply experiencing discomfort because you are at the edge of your comfort zone? What actions are you being moved toward because of these anxious feelings?

One valuable shift that can help create psychological distance between you and the emotion is verbalizing it as “the anxiety” or “I am noticing anxious feelings” instead of “my anxiety” or labeling yourself as an anxious person. This can help you step back and observe instead of becoming fully immersed in the experience.

Listening Is Only the Beginning.

Listening is actually the easiest part of working with anxiety. Understanding is where things get interesting.

Once you get a clearer idea of what the anxiety is trying to turn your attention toward, you can then make more aligned choices. Where simply listening might make you avoid a situation, understanding can help you move forward with more clarity.

Think of it as inviting anxiety in for a conversation and realizing that sometimes what looks like anxiety about one thing is actually anxiety connected to something much more nuanced underneath it.

For example, uncertainty in a relationship can bring up fears about making the wrong decision: What if I end things too soon? What if there’s someone else who would be a better fit?

Anxiety can point to something real without telling us the whole story.

Once we understand what is underneath the anxiety, we have more choices available to us. We may realize that we need to set a boundary, gather more information, tolerate uncertainty, have a difficult conversation, or make a decision we’ve been avoiding.

Sometimes anxiety is about more than the thing happening in front of us. It can carry old fears, assumptions, expectations, and stories we’ve been telling ourselves for years. That’s why simply asking “What am I anxious about?” may not be enough. We may need to ask better questions: “What am I afraid will happen? What would that mean about me? What am I trying to protect myself from?”

The more we understand what’s underneath the anxiety, the less likely we are to let the first story it tells us become our reality.

Anxiety doesn't always give us the answer. It gives us a starting point for inquiry.

Maybe the point is to get you to ask better questions.

Looking back at my conversation with Rita, I don't think the lesson is that her anxiety was “right.” We can't know that. What I do know is that once she gave herself permission to acknowledge what she was feeling and make a decision that felt right for her, the tension she had been carrying changed.

The point wasn't that she canceled the date or that she defeated anxiety. It was that she gave herself permission to move beyond “I should” and get honest about what she actually wanted.

The next time you feel anxious, try asking:

• What exactly am I feeling?

• What is this feeling drawing my attention toward?

• What story am I telling myself about what this feeling means?

• What might be underneath the anxiety?

• What response would be most aligned with my needs and values?

You don't have to fight every uncomfortable part of yourself. Anxiety may not always have the right answer, but it can still be worth listening to. When you slow down enough to understand what you're experiencing, you give yourself the space to act in alignment with what you actually want and need.

Curious about what your anxiety might be trying to tell you? This is the kind of work I explore with clients. Reach out to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.